One of my cherished mentors, Stan Tatkin PsyD, defines this as “a protective mechanism that couples develop to insulate themselves from the realities of life.” As a couple, you are stronger and safer together in our quite unpredictable world than you are when you go it solo. There’s research that PROVES it! In a securely functioning partnership we help each other settle down, comparable to how we might soothe an infant. The truth is our bodies, minds and hearts are longing for connection rather than disconnection.
Humans, like wolves, are pack animals...however, unlike wolves ours is a steeper emotional challenge. We doubt relying on each other often due to our fears, our reactivity, and over-active thinking. Bald Eagles mate for life; they do not second guess themselves or their mate. They’re naturally more adept at coupling than humans. Loyalty is love for us and pure survival for animals (not that animals don’t love!).
Factually speaking, our nervous systems can be triggered into flight/freeze/fight by a threat in a fraction of a second. Our logic and mental reasoning capacity evaluates what is a valid concern and what isn’t much more slowly than our amygdala fires. Realistically, our physiology is as quick and fear driven as the Cro-Magnons! This has allowed humans to survive. This unconscious reactivity does not care whether your relationship will survive, unfortunately.
Our natural desire in our couple is to protect each other and stay in the bubble: safe, secure and well functioning. In PACT (Psychological Approach to Couple Therapy) we call anyone outside our Couple Bubble a “third”. That third can threaten our relationship and we need to address the third as a team. Possible thirds that might threaten your Bubble are: work, addictions, friends, pets, phones, or family.
Just as you might protect your child from dangers in this world, you must practice being more committed to protecting your beloved than you might think. There’s a young part of each of our beloved’s that needs care, protection, nurturing. In the therapeutic process it’s a genuine diligence that helps people protect their Couple Bubble as it is your gift to yourselves.
What allows for the success of your relationship is your awareness of what is an actual threat and what isn’t. As humans, we err on the side of unconsciously and automatically reacting to any perceived threat. Our rapid reaction may often assault the connection to our beloveds by sheer unconsciousness. So, the remedy to heal this phenomenon is to practice bringing consciousness to respond with empathy and compassion as a loving partner, rather than a reptilian reaction.
It is a gift to have a relationship be the sacred space of safety and security; that is the design of your Couple Bubble (coined by my mentor Stan Tatkin). Your relationship helps you to regulate your Cro-Magnon physiology. It also teaches you to assist your beloved to promote partnership rather than a argument or disagreement. Together you become more and more facile at negotiating the unpredictable and strenuous terrain of life.
Strive to become exceptional at knowing how to keep your mate out of reactivity/unconsciousness/fear. The clearer you are at catching yourself in this state, the quicker you can pull yourself or your sweetheart out of it. It is impossible to keep yourself or your beloved out of reactivity, but the more skillful you are at retrieving yourselves from this pain/fear the more connection you ultimately experience.
Trust each other to grow yourselves to be more capable as a team. It’s not an inherently easy task as our physiology is designed to fight, flee or freeze. Your intention to remain securely grounded in your Couple Bubble can help alert you to practice curbing your knee jerk reactions, causing less damage.
It is through this awareness and commitment that we can fall in love together rather than fall apart. Encourage each other to stay very closely tethered and have each others’ backs because this world is quite the emotional ride! It frequently isn’t as scary though as our adrenaline informs. Being a responsible adult challenges our nervous systems, and simultaneously to care for each other is both a gift and a demand.
If your beloved is dangerous to you, others, or thwarts your pursuit of a quality life then you may need to examine the value of keeping your relationship. This is a personal examination of yourself and your beloved that would warrant a course of therapy.
We need each other to help keep consciousness alert. We will bring more presence to witness our physiological reactivity inside a Couple Bubble than doing it alone. We long to stay connected in order to thrive rather than simply survive. This intimate relationship is absolutely special and sacred. It is one of the only places in the world that calls you to be who you really are at your core. Appreciate it. Embrace it. Trust it
Humans, like wolves, are pack animals...however, unlike wolves ours is a steeper emotional challenge. We doubt relying on each other often due to our fears, our reactivity, and over-active thinking. Bald Eagles mate for life; they do not second guess themselves or their mate. They’re naturally more adept at coupling than humans. Loyalty is love for us and pure survival for animals (not that animals don’t love!).
Factually speaking, our nervous systems can be triggered into flight/freeze/fight by a threat in a fraction of a second. Our logic and mental reasoning capacity evaluates what is a valid concern and what isn’t much more slowly than our amygdala fires. Realistically, our physiology is as quick and fear driven as the Cro-Magnons! This has allowed humans to survive. This unconscious reactivity does not care whether your relationship will survive, unfortunately.
Our natural desire in our couple is to protect each other and stay in the bubble: safe, secure and well functioning. In PACT (Psychological Approach to Couple Therapy) we call anyone outside our Couple Bubble a “third”. That third can threaten our relationship and we need to address the third as a team. Possible thirds that might threaten your Bubble are: work, addictions, friends, pets, phones, or family.
Just as you might protect your child from dangers in this world, you must practice being more committed to protecting your beloved than you might think. There’s a young part of each of our beloved’s that needs care, protection, nurturing. In the therapeutic process it’s a genuine diligence that helps people protect their Couple Bubble as it is your gift to yourselves.
What allows for the success of your relationship is your awareness of what is an actual threat and what isn’t. As humans, we err on the side of unconsciously and automatically reacting to any perceived threat. Our rapid reaction may often assault the connection to our beloveds by sheer unconsciousness. So, the remedy to heal this phenomenon is to practice bringing consciousness to respond with empathy and compassion as a loving partner, rather than a reptilian reaction.
It is a gift to have a relationship be the sacred space of safety and security; that is the design of your Couple Bubble (coined by my mentor Stan Tatkin). Your relationship helps you to regulate your Cro-Magnon physiology. It also teaches you to assist your beloved to promote partnership rather than a argument or disagreement. Together you become more and more facile at negotiating the unpredictable and strenuous terrain of life.
Strive to become exceptional at knowing how to keep your mate out of reactivity/unconsciousness/fear. The clearer you are at catching yourself in this state, the quicker you can pull yourself or your sweetheart out of it. It is impossible to keep yourself or your beloved out of reactivity, but the more skillful you are at retrieving yourselves from this pain/fear the more connection you ultimately experience.
Trust each other to grow yourselves to be more capable as a team. It’s not an inherently easy task as our physiology is designed to fight, flee or freeze. Your intention to remain securely grounded in your Couple Bubble can help alert you to practice curbing your knee jerk reactions, causing less damage.
It is through this awareness and commitment that we can fall in love together rather than fall apart. Encourage each other to stay very closely tethered and have each others’ backs because this world is quite the emotional ride! It frequently isn’t as scary though as our adrenaline informs. Being a responsible adult challenges our nervous systems, and simultaneously to care for each other is both a gift and a demand.
If your beloved is dangerous to you, others, or thwarts your pursuit of a quality life then you may need to examine the value of keeping your relationship. This is a personal examination of yourself and your beloved that would warrant a course of therapy.
We need each other to help keep consciousness alert. We will bring more presence to witness our physiological reactivity inside a Couple Bubble than doing it alone. We long to stay connected in order to thrive rather than simply survive. This intimate relationship is absolutely special and sacred. It is one of the only places in the world that calls you to be who you really are at your core. Appreciate it. Embrace it. Trust it
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