One of my cherished mentors, Stan Tatkin PsyD, defines this as “a protective mechanism that couples develop to insulate themselves from the realities of life.” As a couple, you are stronger and safer together in our quite unpredictable world than you are when you go it solo. There’s research that PROVES it! In a securely functioning partnership we help each other settle down, comparable to how we might soothe an infant. The truth is our bodies, minds and hearts are longing for connection rather than disconnection.

Humans, like wolves, are pack animals...however, unlike wolves ours is a steeper emotional challenge. We doubt relying on each other often due to our fears, our reactivity, and over-active thinking. Bald Eagles mate for life; they do not second guess themselves or their mate. They’re naturally more adept at coupling than humans. Loyalty is love for us and pure survival for animals (not that animals don’t love!).

Factually speaking, our nervous systems can be triggered into flight/freeze/fight by a threat in a fraction of a second. Our logic and mental reasoning capacity evaluates what is a valid concern and what isn’t much more slowly than our amygdala fires. Realistically, our physiology is as quick and fear driven as the Cro-Magnons! This has allowed humans to survive. This unconscious reactivity does not care whether your relationship will survive, unfortunately.

Our natural desire in our couple is to protect each other and stay in the bubble: safe, secure and well functioning. In PACT (Psychological Approach to Couple Therapy) we call anyone outside our Couple Bubble a “third”. That third can threaten our relationship and we need to address the third as a team. Possible thirds that might threaten your Bubble are: work, addictions, friends, pets, phones, or family.

Just as you might protect your child from dangers in this world, you must practice being more committed to protecting your beloved than you might think. There’s a young part of each of our beloved’s that needs care, protection, nurturing. In the therapeutic process it’s a genuine diligence that helps people protect their Couple Bubble as it is your gift to yourselves.

What allows for the success of your relationship is your awareness of what is an actual threat and what isn’t. As humans, we err on the side of unconsciously and automatically reacting to any perceived threat. Our rapid reaction may often assault the connection to our beloveds by sheer unconsciousness. So, the remedy to heal this phenomenon is to practice bringing consciousness to respond with empathy and compassion as a loving partner, rather than a reptilian reaction.

It is a gift to have a relationship be the sacred space of safety and security; that is the design of your Couple Bubble (coined by my mentor Stan Tatkin). Your relationship helps you to regulate your Cro-Magnon physiology. It also teaches you to assist your beloved to promote partnership rather than a argument or disagreement. Together you become more and more facile at negotiating the unpredictable and strenuous terrain of life.

Strive to become exceptional at knowing how to keep your mate out of reactivity/unconsciousness/fear. The clearer you are at catching yourself in this state, the quicker you can pull yourself or your sweetheart out of it. It is impossible to keep yourself or your beloved out of reactivity, but the more skillful you are at retrieving yourselves from this pain/fear the more connection you ultimately experience.

Trust each other to grow yourselves to be more capable as a team. It’s not an inherently easy task as our physiology is designed to fight, flee or freeze. Your intention to remain securely grounded in your Couple Bubble can help alert you to practice curbing your knee jerk reactions, causing less damage.

It is through this awareness and commitment that we can fall in love together rather than fall apart. Encourage each other to stay very closely tethered and have each others’ backs because this world is quite the emotional ride! It frequently isn’t as scary though as our adrenaline informs. Being a responsible adult challenges our nervous systems, and simultaneously to care for each other is both a gift and a demand.

If your beloved is dangerous to you, others, or thwarts your pursuit of a quality life then you may need to examine the value of keeping your relationship. This is a personal examination of yourself and your beloved that would warrant a course of therapy.

We need each other to help keep consciousness alert. We will bring more presence to witness our physiological reactivity inside a Couple Bubble than doing it alone. We long to stay connected in order to thrive rather than simply survive. This intimate relationship is absolutely special and sacred. It is one of the only places in the world that calls you to be who you really are at your core. Appreciate it. Embrace it. Trust it

How you keep your love/passion/connection in the forefront of your relationship (being the priority for your couple) is an art. Too often, couples focus on what to do with their fear/anger/disconnection. It is a matter of wrangling the reactive part into feeling safer, reassured, and more trusting through communication and connection.

You’re probably wondering whether you can keep your couple secure if you find yourself scared or disappointed frequently. Couples therapy with me teaches you how to be aware of how to get yourselves out of fear and back into love. Doing marriage counseling requires being committed to being conscious of when your reptilian reactive brain gets triggered as well as being aware of when your beloved’s does. We practice what to do in the safety of couples therapy.

Call me for a free initial consultation to see if we might want to work together to get your love in the driver’s seat and your fear in the backseat. It’s a challenge to move forward with awareness rather than your knee jerk reactions.

A = Adult — Awareness — Appreciation
B = Breathe (into Belly) — Be
C = Connect — Compassion (between you and others OR you with yourself)

ABC = P (PRESENCE)

Appreciate anything through your five senses; or physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. The space of appreciation is all you're shooting for.

When you're in your own PRESENCE (meaning you're in touch with the moment or your ESSENCE-SOURCE-SPIRIT-MAGNIFICENCE-VAST SPACIOUS SELF) you can help your beloved from the constraints of his/her personality. This can ONLY happen when you get out of your own reptilian old brain, your unconsciousness, ego fixation, toddler self, suffering, disconnection and/or conditioned positioning in the past or future. When you're here, your beloved can connect, be present and get herself/himself here.

You can promise your beloved that you will help get yourself out of your own reptilian brain (Enneagram Type, ego fixation) to be able to help connect to your beloved. You have to OWN WHAT OWNS YOU. As a team, you're connected and able to be in love rather than fear. In your ego fixation, you are in fear or threat rather than love. This is the purpose of the ego: disconnect to survive because connection is dangerous - you could get hurt or abandoned.

Your style (your reptilian brain response) of reacting to any kind of threat in the environment might be to flee, fight or freeze. If you notice you're doing this, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to rescue yourself through ABC and get yourself back into connection through generating PRESENCE. If your beloved sees you're gone (into fear), it is their responsibility (out of their commitment to keeping you safe and secure) to get you back through love, connection, PRESENCE.

The non-reactivated person is responsible to reduce the reactivated person simply out of her/his commitment to be protective and nurturing. Otherwise, provoking more conflict/distance is only another level of disconnection and abandonment caused by the unconscious automatic behavior causing you to be right smack in the middle of your personality:

Emotional Types

• Emotionally manipulative/self-sacrificing/overly care taking (#2)
• Insecurely performing/artificially fabricating superiority/deceitful (#3)
• Overly sensitive/requiring special treatment/over-dramatizing (#4)

Mind Types

• Appearing smarter/non-emotional/more logical (#5)
• Obstinately mistrusting /self-protective/catastrophically pessimistic (#6)
• Emotionally aloof/hedonistically escapist/preoccupied with distraction (#7)

Body Types

• Denying vulnerability/overtly aggressive/commanding dominance (#8)
• Feigning calm/avoiding conflict/emotionally controlling to keep the peace (#9)
• Self-righteous/positioning to appear more morally correct/self-constraining (#1)

The BUBBLE

When we are committed to staying securely attached — in the couple bubble — we vow to help each other move out of the grips of fear (which manifests as a variety of constrictive emotions), rather than cause it.

Basically, this is the very nature of the couple bubble: to stay out of personality and in presence. It is designed by agreements and kept in place by commitment and integrity. This nearly always is the way of being that you maintained during the honeymoon phase of your relationship. Remember when your beloved's well being and mood-physical/emotional state was of utmost importance to you and you would extend yourself to care for him/her? At that point, you were in the bubble!

Using ABC is also helpful with yourself, on your own, and before/during/while you're reactivated to self-regulate. Of course ABC is useful to co-regulate. However, the better you get at self-regulating, the faster and better you are at co-regulating. Practice, practice, practice.

 How quickly can you return yourself to ADULT when you have engaged in a disagreement, power struggle or misunderstanding with your beloved?

Whoever has the awareness that an ADULT is needed in an emotional situation is responsible for leading — and that may be you. One millisecond of awareness/consciousness can be your Call to Action that could turn around the situation for the better.

The ABC Process (see Blog Post 7-27-19)

Use The ABC Process to regain a sense of your influence, the importance of you leading your couple back to connection, and the power of your compassion and empathy to get you both out of trouble. This is a valiant act.

It is a choice to remain locked down in a disconnection, driven by your personality. In contrast, you score big by taking the higher ground and leading you both out of disconnection with velocity. Remember, it’s essential to lead with empathy and compassion; if you lead with your personality, you will likely fail.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road to Recovery
from Disconnection/Disagreement/
Arguing/Blaming/Shaming ...

Verbal Expression Possibilities
(Helps to declare a breakdown first.)

1. I’m so sorry I didn’t do “x, y or z,” or keep my word. I imagine you feel: mad, sad, scared or hurt. I realize that I forgot, I neglected to, I was reactivated, I was passive-aggressive or I was outright resistive. Will you please forgive me? (listen for an answer)
2. I’m sorry I “stepped on your toes.” (then express empathy) I know how much it hurts; I didn’t mean to hurt you. Will you forgive me? (wait for an answer). Thank you for that gift. I will be more careful, attentive or respectful.
3. Is there anything I could do to make up for it?
4. Would you like me to listen to how you feel or what you think?
5. I admit I was at fault. I regret ... , and/or I’ll pay more attention in the future.
6. Is there anything you might feel you want to apologize for?
7. I’d like you to apologize for neglecting, for being overtly offensive, for going unconscious.
8. Would you be willing to agree to disagree?
9. We need to elevate ourselves, be more conscious, in order to be more connected again, rather than at odds. Will you please help us?

Physical Expression Possibilities

1.  Use a gentle touch to calm, connect, reassure.
2. Get close enough to connect by gazing caringly into your beloved’s eyes.
3. Ask if a walk together might be acceptable and hold hands.
4. Bring a glass of water.
5. Sit closely to/with your beloved.

Tips for Quickly Recognizing the Need to Lead
Be an adult; it might be your fault.

1. Beware of pitfalls, booby traps, ruminating about past upsets. Stay focused on the present disconnection as that is needed.
2. Be more conscious: drop defensiveness, denial, isolation, repression, projection, rationalization, justification, righteousness and/or avoidance.
3. Avert desire to flee, fight or freeze.
4. Start thinking about protecting your beloved instead of being determined to win.
5. Stop neglecting the cues of what is happening for your beloved. Start being part of the solution, rather than perpetuating the problem.

Ultimately, remind your beloved of the power of your deep connection.

Remind her/him of their own magnificence; your beloved has likely forgotten who s/he is. Put your beloved in touch with what he or she values about themselves by asking questions that require them think of their own strength or skill. This is often a powerful way to acknowledge what we appreciate about ourselves rather than having our beloved tell us, which we can easily reject.

Resentment is typically a self-righteous, one-sided position taken on what was originally a shared, dual experience. It is, therefore, vulnerable to a narcissistic (or self-focused) view of reality. We don't feel resentment toward ourselves (that's remorse), just others. 

Resentment hides out in one's individual version of the past, like a toxic emotional mold resulting from a flood of unprocessed feelings. Typically, working together with your partner to mutually resolve the issue has not occurred. Fortunately, just like with real mold, exposing resentment to the bright light of the present has the potential to neutralize it, kill it off. Talking through an issue with your partner is a holistic approach to healing the pain of continued, isolated holding on.