Rapid Repair Remedies

 How quickly can you return yourself to ADULT when you have engaged in a disagreement, power struggle or misunderstanding with your beloved?

Whoever has the awareness that an ADULT is needed in an emotional situation is responsible for leading — and that may be you. One millisecond of awareness/consciousness can be your Call to Action that could turn around the situation for the better.

The ABC Process (see Blog Post 7-27-19)

Use The ABC Process to regain a sense of your influence, the importance of you leading your couple back to connection, and the power of your compassion and empathy to get you both out of trouble. This is a valiant act.

It is a choice to remain locked down in a disconnection, driven by your personality. In contrast, you score big by taking the higher ground and leading you both out of disconnection with velocity. Remember, it’s essential to lead with empathy and compassion; if you lead with your personality, you will likely fail.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road to Recovery
from Disconnection/Disagreement/
Arguing/Blaming/Shaming ...

Verbal Expression Possibilities
(Helps to declare a breakdown first.)

1. I’m so sorry I didn’t do “x, y or z,” or keep my word. I imagine you feel: mad, sad, scared or hurt. I realize that I forgot, I neglected to, I was reactivated, I was passive-aggressive or I was outright resistive. Will you please forgive me? (listen for an answer)
2. I’m sorry I “stepped on your toes.” (then express empathy) I know how much it hurts; I didn’t mean to hurt you. Will you forgive me? (wait for an answer). Thank you for that gift. I will be more careful, attentive or respectful.
3. Is there anything I could do to make up for it?
4. Would you like me to listen to how you feel or what you think?
5. I admit I was at fault. I regret ... , and/or I’ll pay more attention in the future.
6. Is there anything you might feel you want to apologize for?
7. I’d like you to apologize for neglecting, for being overtly offensive, for going unconscious.
8. Would you be willing to agree to disagree?
9. We need to elevate ourselves, be more conscious, in order to be more connected again, rather than at odds. Will you please help us?

Physical Expression Possibilities

1.  Use a gentle touch to calm, connect, reassure.
2. Get close enough to connect by gazing caringly into your beloved’s eyes.
3. Ask if a walk together might be acceptable and hold hands.
4. Bring a glass of water.
5. Sit closely to/with your beloved.

Tips for Quickly Recognizing the Need to Lead
Be an adult; it might be your fault.

1. Beware of pitfalls, booby traps, ruminating about past upsets. Stay focused on the present disconnection as that is needed.
2. Be more conscious: drop defensiveness, denial, isolation, repression, projection, rationalization, justification, righteousness and/or avoidance.
3. Avert desire to flee, fight or freeze.
4. Start thinking about protecting your beloved instead of being determined to win.
5. Stop neglecting the cues of what is happening for your beloved. Start being part of the solution, rather than perpetuating the problem.

Ultimately, remind your beloved of the power of your deep connection.

Remind her/him of their own magnificence; your beloved has likely forgotten who s/he is. Put your beloved in touch with what he or she values about themselves by asking questions that require them think of their own strength or skill. This is often a powerful way to acknowledge what we appreciate about ourselves rather than having our beloved tell us, which we can easily reject.